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A Soldiers Report - a Warpath short story

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Author Topic: A Soldiers Report - a Warpath short story  (Read 523 times)
JP1138
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« on: October 07, 2011, 04:28:34 pm »

hi guys,

I wanted to share this with you to get a taste of how it comes across. It's a new way of writing a short story for me and any constructive feedback (don't just say it's crap: tell me why you don't connect with it please) is welcomed. It has already been sent into Mantic as part of my weekly submissions but some fast feedback would be welcomed.

Here it is...






A Soldiers Report

By
Jonathan Peace

001 AAR CD21334567112848328334093739284763 Regulan12

TO: Malaskian Family, Hellios III, Dramai Sector
FROM: Corporation Central
RE: Trooper 23543-11324-11296

Find attached the last video/data/transcript logs of Trooper 23543-11324-11296, whom we believe is your daughter/son. They have honoured themselves/given their lives/disgraced themselves and your/for their family in the service of the Corporation, and for that we are grateful/sorry.

DAY 1203 LOC: REGULAN  XII

I'm in the barracks here at the monastary over on Regulan 12. Yeah, I know it's not where they said I was going to be posted but what can I do. I'm just a small cog in a big damn wheel. All I know is, you lot are being taken care of by the Corporation thanks to my service. Well, service is certainly what I've been doing. They had me digging holes in the ground all day today. Best not ask what for. Looking forward to hearing from you when next post month comes around. Sorry I'll be missing Leana's birthday. Give her a hug and kiss from me.

DAY 1212 LOC: REGULAN XII

I got promoted. I no longer dig holes for people to crap into. Now I prepare food. It's a step up I guess but not what I signed up for. The holo-vids all showed fighting the green skins or clearing out nests of Zz'or on our furthermost colonies. I don't ever once remember seeing a trooper digging a plop-hole or peeling a ferraspud. Still, I can't complain: a set meal a day, a bath every four weeks and all the stem I can ask for.

DAY 1214 LOC: REGULAN XII

Word is coming down that we're being sent into battle soon. I damn hope so. There's no use having a carbine if you ain't about to use it. I've been putting in the required fifteen minutes combat drills every day, twenty where I can manage it, and I'm ready to get stuck in. This is what it was all about. This is why I signed up.

DAY: CLASSIFIED

We got here and as soon as the battle boats touched down we came under fire from Marauders. They REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A We then launched a REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A. I don't know what's will happen next but REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A says it will be over soon. Please, Karla, you must  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A safest I would suggest is  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A fighting. Promise me?

DAY: CLASSIFIED

They're  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A stop them. You know I joined with Jackal? He got  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A in the face. Nothing left. They  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A and REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A but when they REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A it happened so quickly. At first we thought it was just solar winds but then REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A everywhere. We can't REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A or even try to talk to them. They are beyond REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A or even REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A All we can hope to do is REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A maybe die.

DAY: CLASSIFIED

Hurts. Blood everywhere. They REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A Need REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A  blood

DAY: CLASSIFIED

Going in REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A one last time. Hurts  REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A

DAY: CLASSIFIED

Love you REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A  Wish I'd never REMOVED DUE TO SECURITY RESTRICTION V.3A

DAY: CLASSIFIED

Sorry.

As you can see your daughter/son acted in a most heinous/honorific fashion. We are therefore summoning/awarding your family with High Court/Corporation charges/thanks. Please find enclosed a trial date/food vouchers for you to attend/use as dated.

Regards

Commander Hans F Reindhardt
Subsector: CLASSIFIED

HF Reindhardt

« Last Edit: October 07, 2011, 04:37:44 pm by JP1138 » Report Spam   Logged

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wolfcraze
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« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2011, 06:10:50 pm »

I liked it overall.  Only thing is I doubt the Corp would keep doing the "deleted" stuff.  More likely they'd put in some propaganda to cover it up and make it sound nice/possible get new recruits from.
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JP1138
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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2011, 06:18:26 pm »

Cheers for that.

I can see what you mean, but in my 'Warpath' eyes, Security Restriction V.3a means...? ah, now that would be telling Wink
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« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2011, 12:01:32 am »

Anyone who has dealt with a bureaucracy can find the humor in that story.  I particularly enjoyed the gender change.  Gives you the feel of a chair-borne ranger at his best.

Jim
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JP1138
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« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2011, 07:26:58 am »

Glad you enjoyed. It was a different approach to telling a story that I hadn't tried before so wasn't sure how it would come across.  Obviously not a style to be used over-much or it would lose its novelty, but every now and then...

Cheers for the feedback
JP
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2011, 01:01:49 pm »

Hello JP!
This was a fun story, in spite of being very dark in ways:) Very intrigued by the picture of The Corporation that you are painting through the crossed out text and the deletions! I knew they were evil, but they can't be...sexist?! Hey, we draw the line there buddy! (J/K, it was a wonderful detail!).

Read your latest blog post, I'm sorry that you've been going through a rough patch writing. I totally know what you mean about the self inflicted pressure. That can lead to burn out, so careful! Much more profitable to relax and recharge sometimes?

I really hope Mantic uses your story, very enjoyable!

Gerry
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JP1138
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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2011, 04:08:36 pm »

Hi Gerry,

Thanks. Glad you liked it. I've rekindled the writing flame again after taking some time out to reset. Painting ghouls certainly helped (first unit done Wink) I think its been more a case of missing Lucy while she's been away - soppy I know, but we must face the harsh realities now and then  Tongue

Now, onto some Revenants... Wink

Cheers
JP
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Llew
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« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2011, 05:24:53 am »

I like the premise and format for this story as a one-off.  However, there were a few areas where the censorship was used (particularly later in the story) but I didn't get the sense that you actually had in mind exactly what was being censored.  (For example, I can't imagine a sentence that would begin with "Love" and not have something else following it that was uncensored.)

I think what might take this from being a short, enjoyable novelty into a really fun piece might be to have this initial batch of information be the report that goes to a P.R. flak for the Corporation.  Then, have his fancied up version that is actually sent to the parents.

It's a cool idea as it stands with just a hair of polishing.
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« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2011, 02:21:53 am »

It was tense...

Very fun indeed.

But sometimes the "classified" advices just dont suggest anything. But overall, i could feel the poor soldier life being eat by a big and inescropulous system ^^
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